Can't Sleep

Yeah, I can't sleep. I don't think I'd wnat to anyway, you know? I've never been a very 'tough' guy, but for the longest time now I've been looking in the mirror and just thinking GOD, you know?

I don't have a lot of friends, but I'm not really lonely. I'm not very good at anything, but I don't really strive to be. I tried to make it work with one person, and I wasn't good enough. Where do I go from there? The ole try try again? No, how could I? Not good enough, is not good enough. That doesn't change from person to person, from place to place, maybe the idea of it, but not the label. Peeps look at me and they know that I'm a doormat, strew me with labels labels labels dirty names, things that would make God and Jesus in heaven blush. And I talk about God a lot, right? Whose the only person in this darned universe that hasn't tried to pick me apart? Yeah. I've never read a passage in the Bible that said, "Harden, stop being such a faggot." or "Harden, thou art wouldn't have SEX WITH ME, therefore you are not good enough for me." ........... O.k., so no one ever said the last part. But it was hinted enough. I'm so sick of never being what anybody wants to the point that they'd throw me away. Do I make it that easy, or something? Like, do I invinte all the misery that comes with being someone just flat out..... iDunno, like, I'm a victim of unrequited fracken empathy. No one understands, no one looks long enough at me to try and understand. What if all it took to fall in love was someone was someone being willing to talk to you? Falling in love and really, honestly talking to someone are one in the same in rareity if you ask me! I tried so hard to understand her, I wanted all of her perfect little imperfections to be a part of me. Now it seems so stupid that I didn't realize what she was doing. Whay is it so easy for everybody to be so DAMN DAMN DAMN fake? Lord forgive me for my sins. I want you t osee this though. There is something ugly in me that can't be fixed, and everybody sees, nobody says anything about it, they all just go on with thier lives. I want to fix it with love, your love, my love, the completeing love of someone else........ but I don't know how. I want to know though.

Phew, kk. Does anybody else get more depressed at night? I guess for me it's just when everything slows down around me and lets my mind catch up. When I wake up I'll be o.k. and stuff, but it's really hard for me to put all these thoughts behind me without feeling like I'm shoving something broken under the rug.

Writing helps. I'm not shoving it under a rug, but I don't necessarily have to look at it again until I'm ready......

1 comment:

  1. You definitely are not alone in the idea that depression gets worse at night. I think it just waits until your mind is at its most vulnerable and just jumps at it. That happens to me every night.

    So, I got into the habit of staying up doing things until I can't stay awake any longer-that way the stress and depression doesn't even register cause I'm already a sleep.

    It is good that you trust in God. Most people here just get angry and hate Him.