Feeling better

Cindy called and she told me all about university and it was awesome =D that was this morning and even though she woke me up... lool. Twas great. Then I went and helped my mom pick out some clothes from bealle's which was tiring! Guess not having much time to think has helped me feel like less of a loser.

I drew a picture of an ugly little boy being kissed on the cheek by a pretty little girl, turned out really cute I think.I'm not really much of an artist or anything so it isn't WOWEE but you know it was pretty good for me. He 's got this really shocked look, teeny eyes and she's bent over with her lips on his cheek. That's something I'm going to miss, lol. Kisses are great.

Maybe I should set up a local kissing booth XD loooooooooool, 5 cents a pucker. I wouldn't make any money. Unless my mom came by......... o___________x


Can't Sleep

Yeah, I can't sleep. I don't think I'd wnat to anyway, you know? I've never been a very 'tough' guy, but for the longest time now I've been looking in the mirror and just thinking GOD, you know?

I don't have a lot of friends, but I'm not really lonely. I'm not very good at anything, but I don't really strive to be. I tried to make it work with one person, and I wasn't good enough. Where do I go from there? The ole try try again? No, how could I? Not good enough, is not good enough. That doesn't change from person to person, from place to place, maybe the idea of it, but not the label. Peeps look at me and they know that I'm a doormat, strew me with labels labels labels dirty names, things that would make God and Jesus in heaven blush. And I talk about God a lot, right? Whose the only person in this darned universe that hasn't tried to pick me apart? Yeah. I've never read a passage in the Bible that said, "Harden, stop being such a faggot." or "Harden, thou art wouldn't have SEX WITH ME, therefore you are not good enough for me." ........... O.k., so no one ever said the last part. But it was hinted enough. I'm so sick of never being what anybody wants to the point that they'd throw me away. Do I make it that easy, or something? Like, do I invinte all the misery that comes with being someone just flat out..... iDunno, like, I'm a victim of unrequited fracken empathy. No one understands, no one looks long enough at me to try and understand. What if all it took to fall in love was someone was someone being willing to talk to you? Falling in love and really, honestly talking to someone are one in the same in rareity if you ask me! I tried so hard to understand her, I wanted all of her perfect little imperfections to be a part of me. Now it seems so stupid that I didn't realize what she was doing. Whay is it so easy for everybody to be so DAMN DAMN DAMN fake? Lord forgive me for my sins. I want you t osee this though. There is something ugly in me that can't be fixed, and everybody sees, nobody says anything about it, they all just go on with thier lives. I want to fix it with love, your love, my love, the completeing love of someone else........ but I don't know how. I want to know though.

Phew, kk. Does anybody else get more depressed at night? I guess for me it's just when everything slows down around me and lets my mind catch up. When I wake up I'll be o.k. and stuff, but it's really hard for me to put all these thoughts behind me without feeling like I'm shoving something broken under the rug.

Writing helps. I'm not shoving it under a rug, but I don't necessarily have to look at it again until I'm ready......



My girlfriend broke up with me at church camp. We were together six months. She told me it was because she wanted something different and that she had secretly been seeing someone else, and I, being the absolute mature one, told her to go to hell for being a cheating hussy.

..............pretty ironic that I told someone to go to hell at church camp, but whatever. God knows I did whatever I had to do to keep from strangling her.

I just finally quit being an emo loser, after going on word and typing, hatehatehatehatehatehate


ps: I did pray for forgiveness. There?



I really don't think I'm going to have much time to
this summer, I mean, I always stay so busy and stuff. I had meant to put something I wrote on here yesterday, but Adam ended up dragging me to his house for dirt biking =) Which was totally awesome, btw.

And right now I'm about to leave for church camp, which I'm not allowed to bring my laptop to, which sucks! Oh well, it'll still be super fun, I have the best church counselor in the world, he's so cool. He's not fake or anything, really down to earth. I'll be there about four days, nothing but friends and sun! Oh, and God xD lol, can't forget God.

Chow! Chow!


Try the green one and the blue one--

Whenever I start to write something, I always write it off. Why can't I ever produce genius?

Does anyone else ever feel funny why they curse in their writing? Certain characters are all curseish, but I always go back and delete it even if it screws up their image. I don't have a problem with it, but in (books) stuff I write it just sounds weird.

O.k., o.k., really?

Do you ever just go through old stuff because it's old? Happens for me when I decide to clean.
Found some old pictures of Cindy and I from when we were younger, and holy shizz! What was my mom thinking when she told the hairstylist to cut my hair that short? [I looked like an emo Alfalfa, Mom. WTH?]

Mothers always say they love you no matter what. Who cares if they love what you look like if it makes YOU die a little inside? lolz.

Anyway, I just thought it was interesting to see how much I've changed. And how much Cindy has changed! She used to dress so modestly [HA! I luv u slut. She'll never read this]

O.k., o.k., back to the picture. We're sitting on the railing at Joe's, and she's in this little pink dress with her hair all in ribbons, and I'm in a little tux with a red bow tie. It was from her birthday party, when we were like, six. We look like a pair of mischievous kittens, cheeks pressed so hard you'd mistake us for Siamese twins. lool, good times. I'd die to be that close to her now. I miss her, college is too far away, bestie!

Anyway, yeah. My room still isn't clean. FML! =)


You Get What You Paid For

Uh, no. You don't.

I always buy things with high expectations and then end up severely disappointed.
What's the dealio?

Bought a new iPod and it freezes every time I turn it on. Makes me want to cut my... lawn.