Come What May

Some people are so desperately miserable in their hearts that they don't know any other way to live. No heart in Harlem and no wry good intention in hell could ever mend what wants to be broken.

But wait? That's right, I thought this blog was supposed to be about me, but I suppose everything in the end will always be about her-- or so she's come to believe. That's the sickness of never knowing love, right?

But I digress, no one in this world knows what the hell they're doing anymore. They do what they're told. I used to follow that being myself was more important, but since all of me has been used up dry, I'm going to follow someone else's philosophy for once. Get it back.

Let her blame me for what she's had hidden inside her all along, let her blame me for anything that helps her to sleep better at night than what she has. This, is what I've done all along. Here's the new formula---- I'm not going to blame myself. My friend recently begged this of me. Two honest people, saying that they didn't know why, but that it had nothing to do with me. I'm going to use this to be better for them.

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions." She looked at me so hard when she said this, I had to believe that she understood how I could be driven so far onto the beaten path.

I AM NOT THE REASON. Now that I can fully in my heart know this, I feel so free! So unweighted down by the lies that she tells herself to make sense of what she doesn't understand. Sure, one day she'll look back and her knowledge will hurt her. She'll be better for it though, as I am better for it now. I use her senseless bigotry as a hardened skin, and none of the violent things that she thinks (or anyone like her, for that matter) will EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN. :)

I was so sad knowing that she hurt. I wanted to make it go away because I thought she didn't deserve it-- but that's something else I've learned. No one deserves it. It happens to people so that they gain something they didn't have before-- whether it be confidence, openness, awareness, kindness, understanding, or even the ability to let go. Nobody hands that out to you, it's gained through personal triumph over something that hurts you.

I hope she gets it. I hope one day something will click inside her that warps that pain into what she needs. I hope the ride for her isn't necessarily as hard for her as it was for me, but the best things in life aren't easy, are they?

No more trying, no more apologies. Just love. Like it always has been.

I hope you read this, I do, because there's nothing more
I want in this world than for you to find happiness, wherever it may be,
come what may try to take it from you [including yourself].
There are some things in this world just worth the fight, and you're one of them.
If you don't [want to] keep any of this at heart, please, do remember that that.

Coping issues? For old times sake:
"Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have."
Upgrade to a god:)damn ladle.

loooooooooool, if anything, I feel much better writing this out, as usual. As if I could feel any better, right? Let's hope the feeling is catchy.