Come What May

Some people are so desperately miserable in their hearts that they don't know any other way to live. No heart in Harlem and no wry good intention in hell could ever mend what wants to be broken.

But wait? That's right, I thought this blog was supposed to be about me, but I suppose everything in the end will always be about her-- or so she's come to believe. That's the sickness of never knowing love, right?

But I digress, no one in this world knows what the hell they're doing anymore. They do what they're told. I used to follow that being myself was more important, but since all of me has been used up dry, I'm going to follow someone else's philosophy for once. Get it back.

Let her blame me for what she's had hidden inside her all along, let her blame me for anything that helps her to sleep better at night than what she has. This, is what I've done all along. Here's the new formula---- I'm not going to blame myself. My friend recently begged this of me. Two honest people, saying that they didn't know why, but that it had nothing to do with me. I'm going to use this to be better for them.

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions." She looked at me so hard when she said this, I had to believe that she understood how I could be driven so far onto the beaten path.

I AM NOT THE REASON. Now that I can fully in my heart know this, I feel so free! So unweighted down by the lies that she tells herself to make sense of what she doesn't understand. Sure, one day she'll look back and her knowledge will hurt her. She'll be better for it though, as I am better for it now. I use her senseless bigotry as a hardened skin, and none of the violent things that she thinks (or anyone like her, for that matter) will EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN. :)

I was so sad knowing that she hurt. I wanted to make it go away because I thought she didn't deserve it-- but that's something else I've learned. No one deserves it. It happens to people so that they gain something they didn't have before-- whether it be confidence, openness, awareness, kindness, understanding, or even the ability to let go. Nobody hands that out to you, it's gained through personal triumph over something that hurts you.

I hope she gets it. I hope one day something will click inside her that warps that pain into what she needs. I hope the ride for her isn't necessarily as hard for her as it was for me, but the best things in life aren't easy, are they?

No more trying, no more apologies. Just love. Like it always has been.

I hope you read this, I do, because there's nothing more
I want in this world than for you to find happiness, wherever it may be,
come what may try to take it from you [including yourself].
There are some things in this world just worth the fight, and you're one of them.
If you don't [want to] keep any of this at heart, please, do remember that that.

Coping issues? For old times sake:
"Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have."
Upgrade to a god:)damn ladle.

loooooooooool, if anything, I feel much better writing this out, as usual. As if I could feel any better, right? Let's hope the feeling is catchy.

Doing

I can't sleep again.
Running out of things to do.

So I called Adam and now we've talked for hours about nothing, lol. He's watching tv and I'm writing on the compuiter. Good friends can withstand even the most borrrrrrring phone conversations XD true fact, keep it at heart, yo.

tit for tat and all the jack

I miss the way her .hair. smells,
The way she smiles with her e-y-e-s
I miss the way her skin felt
But I'll never miss the lies
And I'll never! miss the way it felt
To have my heart p/u/s/h/e/d aside
I'm not a man, not a person it seems
I am but a fraction of im per fection too large to (hide) or *personify

A/N: Not really a poetry kind of guy, but I've never been good at writing love stories.

Dear Cat_Gen.........

lool, this goes out to all the Cat_Gen's out there =D Im going to try to be all organized.
In response to:

Cat_Gen said...

church camp was interesting...very loud and bright and many people. I get anxious around crowds so it was more than a bit uncomfortable.

Thank you! I've never been called pretty by a guy before...except this one dude (but he's kind of weird so that doesn't count.) And a siggie?

Your church camp does sound interesting, sorry it was uncomfortable and stuff. And your welcome! I'm kind of weird, but I hope you count me anyway. "Siggie" = "Significant other" XD iKnow right, not very clever.

Cat_Gen said...

You definitely are not alone in the idea that depression gets worse at night. I think it just waits until your mind is at its most vulnerable and just jumps at it. That happens to me every night.

So, I got into the habit of staying up doing things until I can't stay awake any longer-that way the stress and depression doesn't even register cause I'm already a sleep.

It is good that you trust in God. Most people here just get angry and hate Him.

I like the idea of not being alone....... every night? You must have a lot on your mind to stay awake every night thinking about it. Lots of scary stuff. When I get that way at night I just stay beside my bed and pray and trust that God will settle my feelings. I talk to Him, pretty much since it's the only thing I can think to do. Sometimes I get angry, but in the end I just know that He's got a plan for me, even if I don't understand it yet. You sound like a good Christian =) I don't meet a lot of those anymore.

Cat_Gen said...

Shopping is exhausting. Buying clothes is so hard especially with my mother (cause we often argue on what I should wear.) She should be glad I don't want to dress like a slut.

Hm...a kissing booth? That's a new idea. I wonder how much someone would pay for my virgin lips?

"Going at -$5,000. Sold!" Ha! I would actually loose money.

If you feel so weird communicating through blogs (which I must admit is a bit odd) we should email or text or something.

Mothers, right? That's what's really exhausting. I get the same stuff from my mom, except..... yeah, she should be glad iDont want to dress like a slut either, I guess XD no, seriously though, lol. Tell your mom that youre old enough to dress yourself! And heeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyy! I'd bid on your (lol) virgin lips. I probably wouldn't win though, cause Im broke.

My email is idolizethedead@yahoo.com, it has this IM thing on it too. Talking like that would be waaaaaayyyyyyyyyy easer than trying to respond to thousands of comments and stuff. No stalking though, thats a no-no.

OMG! that was a lot of typing and responding and going through stuff, lol, If you read all of this, your super crazy! =D

Feeling better

Cindy called and she told me all about university and it was awesome =D that was this morning and even though she woke me up... lool. Twas great. Then I went and helped my mom pick out some clothes from bealle's which was tiring! Guess not having much time to think has helped me feel like less of a loser.

I drew a picture of an ugly little boy being kissed on the cheek by a pretty little girl, turned out really cute I think.I'm not really much of an artist or anything so it isn't WOWEE but you know it was pretty good for me. He 's got this really shocked look, teeny eyes and she's bent over with her lips on his cheek. That's something I'm going to miss, lol. Kisses are great.

Maybe I should set up a local kissing booth XD loooooooooool, 5 cents a pucker. I wouldn't make any money. Unless my mom came by......... o___________x

Can't Sleep

Yeah, I can't sleep. I don't think I'd wnat to anyway, you know? I've never been a very 'tough' guy, but for the longest time now I've been looking in the mirror and just thinking GOD, you know?

I don't have a lot of friends, but I'm not really lonely. I'm not very good at anything, but I don't really strive to be. I tried to make it work with one person, and I wasn't good enough. Where do I go from there? The ole try try again? No, how could I? Not good enough, is not good enough. That doesn't change from person to person, from place to place, maybe the idea of it, but not the label. Peeps look at me and they know that I'm a doormat, strew me with labels labels labels dirty names, things that would make God and Jesus in heaven blush. And I talk about God a lot, right? Whose the only person in this darned universe that hasn't tried to pick me apart? Yeah. I've never read a passage in the Bible that said, "Harden, stop being such a faggot." or "Harden, thou art wouldn't have SEX WITH ME, therefore you are not good enough for me." ........... O.k., so no one ever said the last part. But it was hinted enough. I'm so sick of never being what anybody wants to the point that they'd throw me away. Do I make it that easy, or something? Like, do I invinte all the misery that comes with being someone just flat out..... iDunno, like, I'm a victim of unrequited fracken empathy. No one understands, no one looks long enough at me to try and understand. What if all it took to fall in love was someone was someone being willing to talk to you? Falling in love and really, honestly talking to someone are one in the same in rareity if you ask me! I tried so hard to understand her, I wanted all of her perfect little imperfections to be a part of me. Now it seems so stupid that I didn't realize what she was doing. Whay is it so easy for everybody to be so DAMN DAMN DAMN fake? Lord forgive me for my sins. I want you t osee this though. There is something ugly in me that can't be fixed, and everybody sees, nobody says anything about it, they all just go on with thier lives. I want to fix it with love, your love, my love, the completeing love of someone else........ but I don't know how. I want to know though.

Phew, kk. Does anybody else get more depressed at night? I guess for me it's just when everything slows down around me and lets my mind catch up. When I wake up I'll be o.k. and stuff, but it's really hard for me to put all these thoughts behind me without feeling like I'm shoving something broken under the rug.

Writing helps. I'm not shoving it under a rug, but I don't necessarily have to look at it again until I'm ready......

.........

My girlfriend broke up with me at church camp. We were together six months. She told me it was because she wanted something different and that she had secretly been seeing someone else, and I, being the absolute mature one, told her to go to hell for being a cheating hussy.

..............pretty ironic that I told someone to go to hell at church camp, but whatever. God knows I did whatever I had to do to keep from strangling her.

I just finally quit being an emo loser, after going on word and typing, hatehatehatehatehatehate
hatehatehatehatehatelovehatehatehatehate
hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate
hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate....hatedy-hatehate....

SINGLE FTW INTERWEBZ!

ps: I did pray for forgiveness. There?